if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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