I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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