I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
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This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
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