I don't usually arrange sex via text message
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
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