Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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