I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
