You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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