Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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