I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize