if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
