i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
