If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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