I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
