i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
