i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
