in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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