There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My breasts were aching with rage.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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