Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
