I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
