When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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