dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
