Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
