He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
