You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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