Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
