Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
