I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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