so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
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I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
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There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.