It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
