If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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