I need to stop coming to work sober
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
