There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
