Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
