Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
