All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
