the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
