I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
