if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
