he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
