Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm at about main and main street
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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