I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize
