my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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