it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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