Too much gin, very little bucket
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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