he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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