It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
