So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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