It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
