im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
