she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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