dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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