so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
