every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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