I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I wish there were birth control emojis
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
