If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
