Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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